the glass

for some people, the glass is half empty, for some half full. for me I am grateful to have the glass and will do anything to keep it from breaking.... more to come later..

Silence Hurts.

I have not spoken much with anyone since I last posted. Every Part of my life has deteriorated including my health. I almost care about nothing. Someone I know posted this on a social site "Have you ever fallen in love, but knew they didn't care? Have you ever felt like crying, but knew you'd get nowhere? Have you ever watched them walk away, not wanting them to go? And whispered "I Love You" softly, not wanting them to know? Have you ever cried all night in misery and almost went insane? There's nothing in this world that causes that much pain. If I could choose between life and death, I think I'd rather die. Love is great, but hurts too much and the price you pay is high. So I say, never fall in love, because you'll be hurt before it's through. You see, I ought to know, because I fell in love with you. ♥" I will keep that dear to my heart because I can relate to it so much. I do not know what to do anymore. 

Spat with Marie online.

I had a bit of a spat with my beloved marie online. she deleted me from her friends for no aparent reason, i disputed it. i sort of confronted her, it was quite hostile. I was coragous for a while. somewhat wrong in tone, but i temporarily reconciled the situation. I see no oppritunity after this for a meeting, or even further in depth conversation. sound out she basically dispises me on principle that I care for her. Sent me on a 2 day emotional roller-coaster, still settling.  JUST WTF. I Can not even get a conversation with this girl. I swear I did nothing to wrong her. I need money. Once I have some, i can better my life situation, then buy myself a beautiful bride that i really do not love, to fill an endless pit of sorry. But hopefully I will have a nice car and an industrial gas range with a grill so i can cook my sorrows away. Made beef ribs last night, custom rub and some nice smokey sauce. came out good. details later.

I love a stranger.

I love marie, can not get over it. it has been 5 years since I have even seen her in person. I have been in love with her for 8 years, almost 9. I hardly speak to her through chat media. i feel her disgust towards me through the screen. I had chances with her, at least 3 where we were alone and I could have told her how i feel, or at least tried to get to know her better. I got scared, I got coked up, i did not say anything. I regret it, not even telling her how I truly feel, I told her I like her on Aim in the first few months and it basically turned her against me. I cry. I truly weep. I wish and pray that she is healthy and happy. I imagine different scenarios of us getting together, meeting on the street, in a bar, me just begging her to meet me in a park or something to talk. where she falls for me, I meet her parents and ask her father for her hand. I would marry her in a moment. I love her with all my heart, I have nothing to offer her. 3 dollars in my account, no income, no food, i am not even good looking, i got a bad knee, i wear glasses, i am weak and can not defend her honor, i have bad teeth, my voice is high pitched, i have no professional aspirations anymore, I HAVE GIVEN UP COMPLETELY ON MYSELF.

nothing. i am nothing, and have nothing. What keeps me alive is the insane thoughts that run through my head all day and night. Marie. my dreams, my fantasies, my hope that she will be happy and healthy.  I see her with her baby niece, she is happy. I can tell in her eyes she wants to be a mother. she makes me want to be a father. i want to be her husband, it would be the greatest honor. to be her husband, the father of her children. to love and care for her. to hold her in my arms and tell her everything is wonderful.

i am trying to start a business with my friend, it is not what i used to do because of my knee. it gets me back in the perfusion and maybe making money. it also ties to to CA forever, i want to be back home. where I am from, the east coast. near marie. near my family and my friends. i would to almost any job to be back home, to make enough to maybe send marie a message asking to meet, to get her flowers, to just speak to her. to see her crossing the street, getting groceries, riding her bike- just for a moment. anything. I beg the lord, buddha, allah, count dracula and whatever else there is for the opportunity to see her again. ANYTHING. without her, i will always be nothing, a shell of hopeless goop. maybe I should just die. i do not know anymore. I do not want to start this business, i am obligated. i know there is nothing waiting for me anywhere else. i know i am abandoned, i can not move on. i just trudge through life carrying my guilt and bear no smile. that is my life. i must do this. for the lost love that i have to give. i will love you always, and always and always. marie, you are my one and only special angel. i love you.

I do not know what I am doing anymore.

I feel worthless. Totally worthless. I have no job. What I used to do I can no longer do because of an injury. I have no other marketable skills. I am 23, and I feel like my life is over. I love this girl, Maria and she resents my existence. For the past 8 years she has been my #1 and I could never even touch her, I have barley spoken to her my in those 8 years. I have health problems, no skills to get me a job. I only speak broken english in an American city where everyone speaks spanish. I cannot even afford groceries any more. My roommates are sabotaging me at every turn. I live with 6 other guys and I can not trust any of them with my mail, food or any thing else. I am alone. My friends I hardly see. I only have 3 of them to speak of. Two of them are within 60 miles of me. I get to see them once per week-sometimes. The other I see maybe twice or thrice per year. Even then he is always changing our plans and getting me to meet his "new" friends, and do things he knows I can not do. I am not that person. I changed whom I was because this girl told me I was a horrible Asshole and a Loser. I wish I was able to support myself. I wish I had the courage to tell this girl, she will not even give me the time of day. I had dreams. Those dreams changed over the years. I was lowering my standards of life and aspirations as my confidence dwindled. I am a shell. My soul is broken, my heart is broken, my mind is broken, my body is broken. My new crazy plan is to hold a stick for the rest of my life, A FUCKING STICK. I do not know. I wanted children. I wanted a home. I wanted to feel WANTED for once in my life. No one has ever wanted me. Someone lied to me about it once, broke my heart again. I sleep on a semi-box spring mattress style pad on the floor with a couple of old blankets and a 3 year old pillow stained yellow with my sweat. I eat unhealthy because I cannot afford vegetables and can feel my body getting weaker after every meal. I feel my  arteries clogging, I feel my breath getting shorter, I feel my eyes getting blinder. I am 23, A failure and a cripple. I am a lonely shell of a man obsessed with one love that is obscenely out of reach. I believe I am alive right now because I hold on to the one dream of once again seeing Marie on the street. Maybe even speaking to her and telling her how I feel. That will happen after I win the lottery and my small penis doubles in size and my weakling overweight body morphs into a desirable figure. Why do I torture myself with my life? All I want is Marie, for 1 second in my arms. just one second. then the lord can take me. I have waited 8 years. I will wait 800 more.  I love you Marie. ALWAYS.

I really do not like my roommate.

Yes, the title says it all. Lately I have been arguing over petty crap with my roommate. He seems to like stealing my food and not clean up after himself or his girlfriend, and not  thing anything of it. Recently, he and his girl made Alfredo (i know it is mis-spelt) sauce, using my private parmesan cheese. This was not Kraft cheese, (no offense to Kraft) but my cheese is imported from italy. I pay 35 dollars per pound for it. I had just used my last bit of it to top off the cheese shaker, and put it to bed for the night. The next day, His girlfriend and him are making a sauce which main ingredients are parmesan cheese and cream. He then admitted to having no cheese of his own, however did not take my cheese, according to him. Well, then he made a pot of hot cream and spices... and I am left with an empty container. Really?! WORLDS DUMBEST CRIMINALS. FUCKING IDIOT. Things like this have been going steady for a while now. Today, I got my payback. I will not divulge my criminal activities on this medium. I just would not use anything of his or eat any of his food if I were you. That is just the beginning.

He is threatening to beat me up or to kill me  because he can and he used to play hockey and he is a bigger person. He is really like the stereotypical dumb fucking bully you see on A&E movies and crappy sitcoms.

He is underestimating how vicious I can be. I realize the odds are against me and he may kick the shit out of me. But, if he lays a hand on. May god help him because I shall return with great fury. I WILL make sure he is left in either intensive care unit or DEAD. I fight dirty, I can make his car blow up, I can destroy all his valuables and much more-TOTALLY UNTRACEABLE. I know what you are thinking, two guys, none of them did it right. He will catch on, well. First of all, unless you are talking about building a computer or playing some weird role playing game, he is a fucking moron. I also live with 7, YES SEVEN, other guys. things can get convoluted. I keep an eye on everything and everyone. I trust no one, and try to speak to them as little as possible. They think I am ignorant, but am indeed not.  I have been playing up the weak idiot that can barley speak persona. They do not think much of me by design. It makes the perfect cover.

Now, Lets be even more precise, I only have this problem with this one roommate. I have thought it out, very carefully, read books, done research. As best as one can, in these times.

I assure you, He is going down.


On other notes. Nothing. Nothing has changed, more people continue to alienate me for reasons unknown. I need to get to the bottom of this, I hardly speak to anyone as it is. seriously, I am not overtly creepy or repulsive, nor am I insulting or forward.

No jobs as of yet. I have applied to dozens of places, With my injuries, My job applicability is quite narrow. basically I am now limited to a office job doing some remedial task. Hopefully with as little human contact as possible.

I swear, more and more each day, the Human race annoys me. They grow ignorant and sucked in to the mindless consumer zombies. More on that later.

More Incessant Rambling.

This is directed mostly toward Marie. I just read one of Marie's tweets and it was intriguing to me. I felt like it spoke to me. Maybe I just wanted it to on some level. I looked it up, and my hunch that it was part of a lyric to a song turned out to be correct. I have never heard the song or the group that it belonged to, but I read it all and pondered it for quite some time. I could not help but notice that every other line related to our current situation. I truly felt like she was telling me something, but I have doubt. I doubt that I am thinking fully rationally about the situation. I feel like I may be morphing things into what I want them to be to make me feel better. I do know this. I still LOVE Marie with every fiber of my being. Since she had gone overseas for school, I feel drawn to her more, as the distance increased. she is doing things that I have always wanted to do but simply could not afford it. She is attending the school I wanted to go to, she is living in the city I have always wished to visit and traveling around. She seems happy. Something I have never been for any extended period of time. I was, or thaught I was happy for that last week with Bethany. Even with her, I did love her too, But Marie was still always number one. Beth was a close second, I defiantly did care for her. Love her even. How I treated the situation with Marie at that time, was like a widow would. I convinced myself that she was similar to a widow. Gone and never coming back, I will always love that girl first and foremost. she is my everything. You, Marie, are all I care about, all I live for. Every second of every day, I love you and think of you. mixed with fear, and passion. You make me so confused and clouded. Your my Angel Puppet master.

I feel so scared and alone. I am pathetic.

I cooked today while my friend came over. It was just a basic spaghetti, the sauce came out kind of runny, and over cooked. Not my best. at the same time, I am saving all my best stuff for just me. Kind of selfish? I do not have much money, In fact I am poor and unemployed. My parents pay my expenses. They are poor too. My dad has a couple of side under the table kind of jobs, but collects unemployment. He makes barley enough. It kills me to have them support their grown adult son. I should be helping them. I cry over it. I want good things for my parents, they have done so much for me. I wish they never lost their house. They lost their house while I was away at college and my brother was in high school Their mortgage payments were over 4k per month. They could not keep up. times were bad for us. We still made it work. My dad tried and worked so hard for over a decade saving up for a house. and he lost it in just over 7 years.

I want a family more than anything. to be happy with a woman who loves me and cares about me. we actually feel the same about each other. With two beautiful kids, a boy and a girl. a dog. You know the nuclear family.  I will not have one If I can not provide for them. Do not take that as animosity toward my father. he is incredible. he works very hard to provide for us. His wife is sick, one kid in college and the other just graduated from a private college. mounds of debt. He is a strong man. I admire him. He is in an unfortunate situation, which I hope I will not ever have to be in.


things are so complicated in my life. Everything always seems to go wrong. I do not know what do do. I worry, I am paranoid. I am obsessed with a fantastic incredible woman whom I do not know, barley speak to, and have not seen in over 5 years. What happened to me?


What does it take in this world to be happy? Money? Love? Success? I just do not know. I know this. I love Marie. I wish I could just hold her in my arms, just once. for a short time, to tell her everything. to tell her how I feel. to look into her eyes and and her smile. the flow and bounce of her hair. to hear her kind words. to feel her soft touch in my hand. her warmth. just for a moment. just one moment. Asking for that makes me feel like I am in a giant room with 50 foot concrete walls drifting through space Trillions of miles away from the nearest soul. no light. just me. alone. forever. I do not want to be alone. If there is a god, please give me my moment with Marie. even if it is on my deathbed. it is 70 degrees right now, i am shivering in cold and fear, inside I am screaming. tears are streaming down my face. I love you marie.

alone. save me. just for a moment.

feeling weird, my steak sizzled and my mind went with it.

Well, lets see. I made a steak today with two eggs and it was good. I have been trying to eat more fresh things and less fast food. I am feeling kind of down right now, not sure why. Nothing has changed. I guess I feel kind of alone.

I have a solid 3 friends. One  on the east coast and two here on the west coast-one of which came from the east coast for college. It is funny, the one that came from the east was introduced by someone supposed to be my "best friend", but we have grown apart. I  now loathe talking to that guy, so immature and an ass.

I mentioned Marie and Beth as ladies in my past. Well lately there has been a strange development.  Both of them seemed to have  stopped all communication with me for reasons that remain unclear. However, I know this girl from my old town, one of my former schoolmates/friends was obsessed with her and she was not into it. years later, she began dating another mutual friend, that soon ended and we have begun now talking. we are getting sort of intimate, as far as long distance digital relationships go. Now don't get me wrong, i do know her and we have spent some time together, but not in a "more than friends" capacity. we keep saying we care for each other, but it is fake, just sort of a cute game. I don't mean half the things I tell her and I am sure it is the same way on her end. She is cute though, and lately I find myself thinking of her in that special way. I do not know her very well. I just get this feeling that we are going to end up with each other in the end, I don't think I want that. then again I have no options, I know I am a young guy and have the whole world ahead of me. I feel like my wife I should nail down early, I feel it is getting too late to find someone special.  For future reference, I will refer to this woman as "Amy".

In that resect I have been wise beyond my years. Since I was around 15 or 16 I have had this sense of, readiness, or Paternal feeling. I have sort of longed for someone to be my better half. It scares me, definitely.

My feelings for Marie hit with waves of intensity, one day I will think about her at a minimum and other days, I am filled with a new sort of Hope or good feeling about her. Thinking about her in a more intense fashion.

In other news, Right now I am listening to "No easy way out" from the Rocky IV soundtrack, actual artist escapes my mind right now. It sort of reflects my mood.

I love cooking and as I said I made steak and eggs today. It was good, I used a NY sirloin cut, seared it in an oiled skillet to form a light crust on either side. Then I seasoned it with White Pepper, Himalayan Sea Salt and Dried Thyme before cooking. I then broiled it on High for about 5 minutes. The cut was so thin, flipping it was not necessary. The Eggs, I cooked in the same skillet, and seasoned lightly with the same spices/ingredients. My steak was cooked medium to well, but prefer medium to rare. Being a thinner cut of meat, it cooked faster than had intended for. Next round, less time in the broiler.

I want to better my knife skills in the kitchen, I am not a professional or trained chef so I can not chop stuff like the big chefs as seen on Iron Chef America*, my favorite television program. You will notice that I use few to no conjunctions, such as can't or won't. This is because I dislike them, I find them sloppy and lazy use of vocabulary. I am not particularly good at grammar either, I just dislike them.

I would like to purchase soon, a new large Bamboo cutting board, and a Global By Yoshikin Japanese stainless steel, full tang, perfectly balanced knife set. Particularly the Heavyweight 6 inch chef knife and the heavyweight 8 inch Vegetable knife.  Sometimes I just gotta have the toys to make myself happy. Non sexual way.

I am sort of materialistic. I like things, very much. specific things, I spend great deals-vast amounts of my time researching options and the best products for my specific sick, obsessive compulsive needs.

This I have done, so such an existent, that In the future, (financial status pending) will have a very custom home. I know what will go in it, all the way down to the wiring and insulation. No where in the structure is there wood, with the exemption of doors, floor tiles*, and cabinet/counter framing. Everything else is steel re-enforced concrete. The design is a Monolithic dome,  they are totally Hurricane proof, earthquake proof, fireproof, tornado proof, and its lifespan is measured in centuries-not decades.They cost a fraction to insure as opposed to a conventional home and are nearly identical inside in terms of luxury. It would consist of probably 2 floors (7100s ft total). They cannot burn, rot or be eaten by bugs.


I am alone right now, and I feel it. I have 3 friends. Sometimes they ignore me, it does not seem like they are my true friends, I only see them once per week. My east coast friend I see only a few days per year now. I speak to him on the telephone on average one time per month. 


I am in my bedroom. I sleep on a semi box spring in the corner of the room on the floor with blankets and pillows. I am Poor right now. Unemployed for the past 6 months. My parents pay my expenses right now, because I am still young and unable to provide for myself in these harsh times. 


More on that later. 


I wonder if Anyone Anywhere reads this? I even on here, I feel abandoned. It is therapeutic though, just letting this out. I do not expect anyone ever to read this. 


I do not want those close to me to even know about this blog, I am strangely private. I know, I know, then why the hell am I spouting all my deepest secrets and thoughts on the web for all to see. Well, I hope it is anonymous. It is for my mental health, if those close to me knew, then they may know whom some of the people are in the posts that I have spoken about. I fear they will use that information to annoy me, or tell people things that I wish them to not know. I know some very immature people and they could use this information to tease me, or do harm to me in some way. I can not trust anyone. 
I barley trust myself. 

the Complete story of "BETH"

BETH was also Italian american-from california. She was just plain super sexy, brown eyes, around 5'4'' sexy sexy legs, boobs, she had brunette hair with blonde highlights, that sent me over the edge, she was not very smart, but she was wonderful. I dated her on and off for two years, I DID know her-Inside and out.  The last 6 months or so we were together officially and what I THOUGHT was exclusively. To narrow it further, the very last 2 weeks were the most intense. I fell for her HARD. she almost* made me forget about Marie. the monday of the week before it ended we were walking back to class(college) and in the middle of the parking lot I stopped her, dead in her tracks. I did something I had never done before. I took her hand and told her that I loved her. I never said that to any girl before. I meant it, whole heartedly. She looked square in my eyes and said she loved me too. I was overcome with joy. no one else has ever, even after that to this day, loved me back. it felt so incredible. Immediately after we had the most passionate kiss of my whole life. I held her, I did not want to let go. But I did, she had a class to go to and I had to go to work. She was going home to her parents place for the next week so It would be one week before I could see her. I called a few times and texted once per day. All seemed fine, for the first moment I thought I was Happy. Next Tuesday, I find her standing in the lobby at school, I knew something was wrong. I ask what, and she says she "never loved me, and no one could ever love me". Now why, to this day, I do not know why she said that. she went on to say that after this week, she was moving to Arizona, where she will be moving in with a childhood friend of hers, they have been seeing each other. I was not happy anymore. That relationship I found out failed and she now owns her own restaurant. It is so Hilarious, that day, there was a RING in my pocket. 

Master and Commander of my own Sanity or Insanity

Well, this is my first intended blog post, the others were ramblings of digital journal notes that i copied and pasted, there will be a combination of both. So obviously I have a hang-up over a woman in my past, expect me to talk a-lot about that and my other failed relationships in this blog.  There will be a blind of cooking, music and movie quotations and references here, thats what I dig, if you do not dig it, then screw.

Today, today was an interesting day. I did... Nothing much. I went for a short walk, then out with my roommates whom I have begun to despise in recent months.  More on them coming up.

this is going to be a very very long one.

lets see,  what to say. I am a very weird guy. I think much about many different topics. I like to prepare and organize. Organization and cleanliness is a strong suit of mine.

The lady in my first three blog posts I met in high school. Lets call her "Marie" to keep her identity a secret for as long as possible. Basically the story goes like this in chronological order, minus the stuff you should have already read about. I met her, yada yada yada. A while goes by and someone I thought was my friend asks me if I like anyone or anything on my families porch, well I say I am and say who it is. This is on a saturday night, come monday he is dating her behind my back, popped her cherry and dumped her just to spite me. I beat the shit out of that guy, and he knew it was coming and did nothing about it afterwards. even though the girl Marie was heartbroken, she was displeased with my actions, and that with a couple other unfortunate remarks made, possibly taken out of context of over dramatized, she does not like to speak to me much and thinks I am sort of creepy, which  I sort of agree with, or in respect- understand her reasoning for. So now I try and chat with her back and fourth, in hopes of having her not hat me, but that never works out well. At this point it has been 8 years and I still have incredibly strong feelings for this girl and I do not even know her very well. I seem to be unable to control it. I can not simply ignore the situation. Not to let myself off the hook just yet, I did say somethings in the heat of the moment in arguments about it that I regret, I know they were bad, and probably attributed to my current situation with Marie. Unfortunately I totally legitimately can not remember any of those statements. I think I blocked them from my mind to help my ego.

I have begun to teach myself how to externalize and rationalize my thoughts. To break them down with reason, discuss multiple reasons or scenarios for things.  To learn the reason for things, things I do and the things others do, why the world is the way it is.

I am listening to the song "Love Somebody" by Rick Springfield right now.

I do not know her well, the real her. But I have a good sense of humanity, i can sense things about people and especially her. I know, even from experience she is basically a good girl. kind and respectful. the kind of lady your mother might want you to settle down with, well almost. she does like to drink, she is not an alcoholic by any means but her tolerance and intake is ten times more than what I probably have consumed in my entire life.  She drives a car and a motorcycle. I have never even ridden a bicycle in my entire life. she is Sweet with a hint of Sour. She is definably sexy, that kind of sexy that the cute neighbors daughter is- the gal next door. Not to be a creepy pig, but it is that kind of "cute sexy".

Well enough about her for a while. As it states in my profile, I love to cook. I am an Italian- American man in my 20s. My off the boat grandmother and my american born mother taught me how to cook when I was young, granted mostly Pastas, but hey- we like it, it is a stereotype for a reason.  Sometimes with my posts I will write about food or cooking. because it is one of my tension relievers. I am NOT a professionally trained chef, I do not know any special tricks,  but I learn alot from watching the food channel and cooking shows. One of my roommates was a culinary arts student so he taught me a few things. One of my ex-girlfriends from around 2009 was a culinary student also, she specialized in Italian cooking too. Lets call her "Beth". More on her up next. So, when I like to cook -I love garlic and onions, vegetables to my soul. I love to use a 6'' chef's knife to chop them finely.

the silent treatment.

you ignore me. You make me feel abandoned. I simply wanted to greet you, have some small conversation. What seemingly means nothing to you, what seems to Annoy and creep you out has such high meaning for the likes of me. The fact that I will never see you again is not enough for you. I feel the awkwardness through the screen. I feel your shame of me, I feel your disgust. It hurts so much, I cry. I just wish to speak to you. The simple conversation I had hoped would be pleasant, I now see you felt the opposite. Wanting to red of me like social vermin. With your silence comes a storm. It feels like I am abandoned on a rock at sea. Miles from land. The waves are relentless, freezing rain, the thunder is so loud it rips my soul ever time it roars,  lightning so bright it wipes your face from
My memory as it splits the sky. I will never be enough for you, not even enough for me. I am at the end of my rope. A failure among the population. Everything I had set out for has become an impossibility. You are doing the things I have dreamed of, it is like you stole them from my head and my heart. I am jealous. Ravenous with love, jealousy, fear, and the chilling gut stab of your silence seems worse than death. It seems not enough that I will never see you again. I never speak to or think of you it seems are your wishes, well this I can not do. I will always speak to you as long as I have the ability. If only we could meet in person do I could explain or dictate how I have felt over these years. My love, my fear, everything. I will be lucky to bag your groceries at the store or pass you on the street. Certainly you will pretend like you never saw me, your face will forever be engrained in my mind and my heart. I will always wait for you. In this life or the next. I pledge my soul to you forever. Please, I beg you, just speak to me.

first time.

The first time I saw you it was NOT love at first sight as they say. However a feeling came over me instantaneously. The emotion of fear, and most of all curiosity. I had no idea who you were. A cute young girl who walked into my class and sat next to me. I was shy, and confused. I knew you would be someone special and important in my life, but to what extent or capacity I did not know. From that first day to about fifteen I was watching you like an science project, studying your movement, listening to your speech, trying to gather ant information about you. You had transferred out of my lower level class because you were smarter than us all. Day fifteen. I was standing in front of the doorway of my language class. Behind me desks and windows, the blue sunlight poured in over my back. In front of me was a hallway about forty or fifty feet long, with lockers on all sides. By coincidence, your locker was next to mine of the previous year. To my left of my current location and about 15 feet diagonal left. I knew you were coming, I was nervous. You turned the far left corner at the end of the hall, you were with one of your girlfriends, I don't remember who because I was blinded by you. Pure tunnel-vision. It was right there that day, I knew it. The 15th day after seeing you on the first day of school in September. It was eleven in the morning. Eleven ow two a.m. The bell rang. I remember it vividly. It was like a cliche. Everything went silent and slow. Every second seemed like an eternity. The bottom of my stomach fell out when I saw you. A cornucopia of emotions ran through my arteries to my heart. I knew right then. I was totally in love with you. Your blue eyes. Your smile. Your laugh with your friends. The way you brushed your hair over your ear with your stout fingers. Your beautiful brown hair. I was terrified. I had never been in love before that moment. You were my desire in ever sense. The door slammed behind me, I felt the wind blow past my body. The bell was ringing. You slammed your locker and looked at me briefly. You looked right into my eyes and I looked right into yours. Toy turned and ran to your class, your hair swinging delayed behind you like a brown cloak. I was in love with you, I girl I did not know. I wanted to know everything. The bell has stopped and I am the only person left in the hall. Papers on the floor and faint voices from the classroom behind me. I was in love. Tears ran down my face because ilu was so scared of being in love with you, I did not know what to do. That was in 2003 it is now 2011. I have not seen you since 2006. I still love you more than ever. I wish to hold you in my arms, protect you, provide for you. I wish you even considered me worthy of possible friendship, let alone love me back. I wish you loved me and we were married. You are the only woman I will ever marry. Looks like even in my dreams it is not likely. Still I love you

Purple stormclouds and golden clocks

I Want to say so much, restraint can kill. I love a woman so much, if I ever see her again it will take every bit of restraint to not purpose to her instantaneously. The rejection to ensue would devastate me so, that I will slip into a depressive vegetive state for the rest of my mortal term. I have been away from this woman for more years than I was around her and still, my adoration and obsessive affection has not diminished.  I can not say enough how I miss your smile, the one that broke me, your eyes, the ones that consumed me, your hair, that tangled my soul as we passed each other in the hall. Oh, what I wish I could just tell you. I simply, without compromise, love you.