Spat with Marie online.

I had a bit of a spat with my beloved marie online. she deleted me from her friends for no aparent reason, i disputed it. i sort of confronted her, it was quite hostile. I was coragous for a while. somewhat wrong in tone, but i temporarily reconciled the situation. I see no oppritunity after this for a meeting, or even further in depth conversation. sound out she basically dispises me on principle that I care for her. Sent me on a 2 day emotional roller-coaster, still settling.  JUST WTF. I Can not even get a conversation with this girl. I swear I did nothing to wrong her. I need money. Once I have some, i can better my life situation, then buy myself a beautiful bride that i really do not love, to fill an endless pit of sorry. But hopefully I will have a nice car and an industrial gas range with a grill so i can cook my sorrows away. Made beef ribs last night, custom rub and some nice smokey sauce. came out good. details later.

I love a stranger.

I love marie, can not get over it. it has been 5 years since I have even seen her in person. I have been in love with her for 8 years, almost 9. I hardly speak to her through chat media. i feel her disgust towards me through the screen. I had chances with her, at least 3 where we were alone and I could have told her how i feel, or at least tried to get to know her better. I got scared, I got coked up, i did not say anything. I regret it, not even telling her how I truly feel, I told her I like her on Aim in the first few months and it basically turned her against me. I cry. I truly weep. I wish and pray that she is healthy and happy. I imagine different scenarios of us getting together, meeting on the street, in a bar, me just begging her to meet me in a park or something to talk. where she falls for me, I meet her parents and ask her father for her hand. I would marry her in a moment. I love her with all my heart, I have nothing to offer her. 3 dollars in my account, no income, no food, i am not even good looking, i got a bad knee, i wear glasses, i am weak and can not defend her honor, i have bad teeth, my voice is high pitched, i have no professional aspirations anymore, I HAVE GIVEN UP COMPLETELY ON MYSELF.

nothing. i am nothing, and have nothing. What keeps me alive is the insane thoughts that run through my head all day and night. Marie. my dreams, my fantasies, my hope that she will be happy and healthy.  I see her with her baby niece, she is happy. I can tell in her eyes she wants to be a mother. she makes me want to be a father. i want to be her husband, it would be the greatest honor. to be her husband, the father of her children. to love and care for her. to hold her in my arms and tell her everything is wonderful.

i am trying to start a business with my friend, it is not what i used to do because of my knee. it gets me back in the perfusion and maybe making money. it also ties to to CA forever, i want to be back home. where I am from, the east coast. near marie. near my family and my friends. i would to almost any job to be back home, to make enough to maybe send marie a message asking to meet, to get her flowers, to just speak to her. to see her crossing the street, getting groceries, riding her bike- just for a moment. anything. I beg the lord, buddha, allah, count dracula and whatever else there is for the opportunity to see her again. ANYTHING. without her, i will always be nothing, a shell of hopeless goop. maybe I should just die. i do not know anymore. I do not want to start this business, i am obligated. i know there is nothing waiting for me anywhere else. i know i am abandoned, i can not move on. i just trudge through life carrying my guilt and bear no smile. that is my life. i must do this. for the lost love that i have to give. i will love you always, and always and always. marie, you are my one and only special angel. i love you.