Kill Me.

Well, No improvements. None. I wrote something on the wall of Marie, intended to be a joke, she did not like it. It was not insulting, just weird i guess, i didn't know.  Her suspected boyfriend, oh yea, they are not official, but they are so clearly together, just posts after me calling me a creep. Which is probably true, but he did not have to say that. he then said, he felt bad that she had to "deal with this kid". That Hurt so much. I have to move back to My home state because my roommates are moving out and things are so bad i have no options but to live in my parents basement at 25 years old. I want to cry and probably will within minutes. I feel so alone, I am sick. I feel like all my friends just put up with me, they have to pick me up, i have to call them, they never call me, which makes me an annoying pest, No one ever seems to have fun with me. My job sucks, they treat me with no respect at all after 3 years of working there, i can not pay the bills, which are already very very low. I have gained weight, just nothing good. nothing good at all, one of my 3 friends drank himself into a coma, the other doesn't return my calls and the other, even though we hang out, treats me with a  mild neglect and i just sort of have to follow him around on his errands, sometimes sitting in his room, by myself for 5 hours while he is at work. I should just die, i contribute nothing. I am the worlds biggest loser.

the glass

for some people, the glass is half empty, for some half full. for me I am grateful to have the glass and will do anything to keep it from breaking.... more to come later..

Silence Hurts.

I have not spoken much with anyone since I last posted. Every Part of my life has deteriorated including my health. I almost care about nothing. Someone I know posted this on a social site "Have you ever fallen in love, but knew they didn't care? Have you ever felt like crying, but knew you'd get nowhere? Have you ever watched them walk away, not wanting them to go? And whispered "I Love You" softly, not wanting them to know? Have you ever cried all night in misery and almost went insane? There's nothing in this world that causes that much pain. If I could choose between life and death, I think I'd rather die. Love is great, but hurts too much and the price you pay is high. So I say, never fall in love, because you'll be hurt before it's through. You see, I ought to know, because I fell in love with you. ♥" I will keep that dear to my heart because I can relate to it so much. I do not know what to do anymore. 

Spat with Marie online.

I had a bit of a spat with my beloved marie online. she deleted me from her friends for no aparent reason, i disputed it. i sort of confronted her, it was quite hostile. I was coragous for a while. somewhat wrong in tone, but i temporarily reconciled the situation. I see no oppritunity after this for a meeting, or even further in depth conversation. sound out she basically dispises me on principle that I care for her. Sent me on a 2 day emotional roller-coaster, still settling.  JUST WTF. I Can not even get a conversation with this girl. I swear I did nothing to wrong her. I need money. Once I have some, i can better my life situation, then buy myself a beautiful bride that i really do not love, to fill an endless pit of sorry. But hopefully I will have a nice car and an industrial gas range with a grill so i can cook my sorrows away. Made beef ribs last night, custom rub and some nice smokey sauce. came out good. details later.

I love a stranger.

I love marie, can not get over it. it has been 5 years since I have even seen her in person. I have been in love with her for 8 years, almost 9. I hardly speak to her through chat media. i feel her disgust towards me through the screen. I had chances with her, at least 3 where we were alone and I could have told her how i feel, or at least tried to get to know her better. I got scared, I got coked up, i did not say anything. I regret it, not even telling her how I truly feel, I told her I like her on Aim in the first few months and it basically turned her against me. I cry. I truly weep. I wish and pray that she is healthy and happy. I imagine different scenarios of us getting together, meeting on the street, in a bar, me just begging her to meet me in a park or something to talk. where she falls for me, I meet her parents and ask her father for her hand. I would marry her in a moment. I love her with all my heart, I have nothing to offer her. 3 dollars in my account, no income, no food, i am not even good looking, i got a bad knee, i wear glasses, i am weak and can not defend her honor, i have bad teeth, my voice is high pitched, i have no professional aspirations anymore, I HAVE GIVEN UP COMPLETELY ON MYSELF.

nothing. i am nothing, and have nothing. What keeps me alive is the insane thoughts that run through my head all day and night. Marie. my dreams, my fantasies, my hope that she will be happy and healthy.  I see her with her baby niece, she is happy. I can tell in her eyes she wants to be a mother. she makes me want to be a father. i want to be her husband, it would be the greatest honor. to be her husband, the father of her children. to love and care for her. to hold her in my arms and tell her everything is wonderful.

i am trying to start a business with my friend, it is not what i used to do because of my knee. it gets me back in the perfusion and maybe making money. it also ties to to CA forever, i want to be back home. where I am from, the east coast. near marie. near my family and my friends. i would to almost any job to be back home, to make enough to maybe send marie a message asking to meet, to get her flowers, to just speak to her. to see her crossing the street, getting groceries, riding her bike- just for a moment. anything. I beg the lord, buddha, allah, count dracula and whatever else there is for the opportunity to see her again. ANYTHING. without her, i will always be nothing, a shell of hopeless goop. maybe I should just die. i do not know anymore. I do not want to start this business, i am obligated. i know there is nothing waiting for me anywhere else. i know i am abandoned, i can not move on. i just trudge through life carrying my guilt and bear no smile. that is my life. i must do this. for the lost love that i have to give. i will love you always, and always and always. marie, you are my one and only special angel. i love you.

I do not know what I am doing anymore.

I feel worthless. Totally worthless. I have no job. What I used to do I can no longer do because of an injury. I have no other marketable skills. I am 23, and I feel like my life is over. I love this girl, Maria and she resents my existence. For the past 8 years she has been my #1 and I could never even touch her, I have barley spoken to her my in those 8 years. I have health problems, no skills to get me a job. I only speak broken english in an American city where everyone speaks spanish. I cannot even afford groceries any more. My roommates are sabotaging me at every turn. I live with 6 other guys and I can not trust any of them with my mail, food or any thing else. I am alone. My friends I hardly see. I only have 3 of them to speak of. Two of them are within 60 miles of me. I get to see them once per week-sometimes. The other I see maybe twice or thrice per year. Even then he is always changing our plans and getting me to meet his "new" friends, and do things he knows I can not do. I am not that person. I changed whom I was because this girl told me I was a horrible Asshole and a Loser. I wish I was able to support myself. I wish I had the courage to tell this girl, she will not even give me the time of day. I had dreams. Those dreams changed over the years. I was lowering my standards of life and aspirations as my confidence dwindled. I am a shell. My soul is broken, my heart is broken, my mind is broken, my body is broken. My new crazy plan is to hold a stick for the rest of my life, A FUCKING STICK. I do not know. I wanted children. I wanted a home. I wanted to feel WANTED for once in my life. No one has ever wanted me. Someone lied to me about it once, broke my heart again. I sleep on a semi-box spring mattress style pad on the floor with a couple of old blankets and a 3 year old pillow stained yellow with my sweat. I eat unhealthy because I cannot afford vegetables and can feel my body getting weaker after every meal. I feel my  arteries clogging, I feel my breath getting shorter, I feel my eyes getting blinder. I am 23, A failure and a cripple. I am a lonely shell of a man obsessed with one love that is obscenely out of reach. I believe I am alive right now because I hold on to the one dream of once again seeing Marie on the street. Maybe even speaking to her and telling her how I feel. That will happen after I win the lottery and my small penis doubles in size and my weakling overweight body morphs into a desirable figure. Why do I torture myself with my life? All I want is Marie, for 1 second in my arms. just one second. then the lord can take me. I have waited 8 years. I will wait 800 more.  I love you Marie. ALWAYS.

I really do not like my roommate.

Yes, the title says it all. Lately I have been arguing over petty crap with my roommate. He seems to like stealing my food and not clean up after himself or his girlfriend, and not  thing anything of it. Recently, he and his girl made Alfredo (i know it is mis-spelt) sauce, using my private parmesan cheese. This was not Kraft cheese, (no offense to Kraft) but my cheese is imported from italy. I pay 35 dollars per pound for it. I had just used my last bit of it to top off the cheese shaker, and put it to bed for the night. The next day, His girlfriend and him are making a sauce which main ingredients are parmesan cheese and cream. He then admitted to having no cheese of his own, however did not take my cheese, according to him. Well, then he made a pot of hot cream and spices... and I am left with an empty container. Really?! WORLDS DUMBEST CRIMINALS. FUCKING IDIOT. Things like this have been going steady for a while now. Today, I got my payback. I will not divulge my criminal activities on this medium. I just would not use anything of his or eat any of his food if I were you. That is just the beginning.

He is threatening to beat me up or to kill me  because he can and he used to play hockey and he is a bigger person. He is really like the stereotypical dumb fucking bully you see on A&E movies and crappy sitcoms.

He is underestimating how vicious I can be. I realize the odds are against me and he may kick the shit out of me. But, if he lays a hand on. May god help him because I shall return with great fury. I WILL make sure he is left in either intensive care unit or DEAD. I fight dirty, I can make his car blow up, I can destroy all his valuables and much more-TOTALLY UNTRACEABLE. I know what you are thinking, two guys, none of them did it right. He will catch on, well. First of all, unless you are talking about building a computer or playing some weird role playing game, he is a fucking moron. I also live with 7, YES SEVEN, other guys. things can get convoluted. I keep an eye on everything and everyone. I trust no one, and try to speak to them as little as possible. They think I am ignorant, but am indeed not.  I have been playing up the weak idiot that can barley speak persona. They do not think much of me by design. It makes the perfect cover.

Now, Lets be even more precise, I only have this problem with this one roommate. I have thought it out, very carefully, read books, done research. As best as one can, in these times.

I assure you, He is going down.


On other notes. Nothing. Nothing has changed, more people continue to alienate me for reasons unknown. I need to get to the bottom of this, I hardly speak to anyone as it is. seriously, I am not overtly creepy or repulsive, nor am I insulting or forward.

No jobs as of yet. I have applied to dozens of places, With my injuries, My job applicability is quite narrow. basically I am now limited to a office job doing some remedial task. Hopefully with as little human contact as possible.

I swear, more and more each day, the Human race annoys me. They grow ignorant and sucked in to the mindless consumer zombies. More on that later.