I do not know what I am doing anymore.

I feel worthless. Totally worthless. I have no job. What I used to do I can no longer do because of an injury. I have no other marketable skills. I am 23, and I feel like my life is over. I love this girl, Maria and she resents my existence. For the past 8 years she has been my #1 and I could never even touch her, I have barley spoken to her my in those 8 years. I have health problems, no skills to get me a job. I only speak broken english in an American city where everyone speaks spanish. I cannot even afford groceries any more. My roommates are sabotaging me at every turn. I live with 6 other guys and I can not trust any of them with my mail, food or any thing else. I am alone. My friends I hardly see. I only have 3 of them to speak of. Two of them are within 60 miles of me. I get to see them once per week-sometimes. The other I see maybe twice or thrice per year. Even then he is always changing our plans and getting me to meet his "new" friends, and do things he knows I can not do. I am not that person. I changed whom I was because this girl told me I was a horrible Asshole and a Loser. I wish I was able to support myself. I wish I had the courage to tell this girl, she will not even give me the time of day. I had dreams. Those dreams changed over the years. I was lowering my standards of life and aspirations as my confidence dwindled. I am a shell. My soul is broken, my heart is broken, my mind is broken, my body is broken. My new crazy plan is to hold a stick for the rest of my life, A FUCKING STICK. I do not know. I wanted children. I wanted a home. I wanted to feel WANTED for once in my life. No one has ever wanted me. Someone lied to me about it once, broke my heart again. I sleep on a semi-box spring mattress style pad on the floor with a couple of old blankets and a 3 year old pillow stained yellow with my sweat. I eat unhealthy because I cannot afford vegetables and can feel my body getting weaker after every meal. I feel my  arteries clogging, I feel my breath getting shorter, I feel my eyes getting blinder. I am 23, A failure and a cripple. I am a lonely shell of a man obsessed with one love that is obscenely out of reach. I believe I am alive right now because I hold on to the one dream of once again seeing Marie on the street. Maybe even speaking to her and telling her how I feel. That will happen after I win the lottery and my small penis doubles in size and my weakling overweight body morphs into a desirable figure. Why do I torture myself with my life? All I want is Marie, for 1 second in my arms. just one second. then the lord can take me. I have waited 8 years. I will wait 800 more.  I love you Marie. ALWAYS.