This is directed mostly toward Marie. I just read one of Marie's tweets and it was intriguing to me. I felt like it spoke to me. Maybe I just wanted it to on some level. I looked it up, and my hunch that it was part of a lyric to a song turned out to be correct. I have never heard the song or the group that it belonged to, but I read it all and pondered it for quite some time. I could not help but notice that every other line related to our current situation. I truly felt like she was telling me something, but I have doubt. I doubt that I am thinking fully rationally about the situation. I feel like I may be morphing things into what I want them to be to make me feel better. I do know this. I still LOVE Marie with every fiber of my being. Since she had gone overseas for school, I feel drawn to her more, as the distance increased. she is doing things that I have always wanted to do but simply could not afford it. She is attending the school I wanted to go to, she is living in the city I have always wished to visit and traveling around. She seems happy. Something I have never been for any extended period of time. I was, or thaught I was happy for that last week with Bethany. Even with her, I did love her too, But Marie was still always number one. Beth was a close second, I defiantly did care for her. Love her even. How I treated the situation with Marie at that time, was like a widow would. I convinced myself that she was similar to a widow. Gone and never coming back, I will always love that girl first and foremost. she is my everything. You, Marie, are all I care about, all I live for. Every second of every day, I love you and think of you. mixed with fear, and passion. You make me so confused and clouded. Your my Angel Puppet master.
I feel so scared and alone. I am pathetic.
I cooked today while my friend came over. It was just a basic spaghetti, the sauce came out kind of runny, and over cooked. Not my best. at the same time, I am saving all my best stuff for just me. Kind of selfish? I do not have much money, In fact I am poor and unemployed. My parents pay my expenses. They are poor too. My dad has a couple of side under the table kind of jobs, but collects unemployment. He makes barley enough. It kills me to have them support their grown adult son. I should be helping them. I cry over it. I want good things for my parents, they have done so much for me. I wish they never lost their house. They lost their house while I was away at college and my brother was in high school Their mortgage payments were over 4k per month. They could not keep up. times were bad for us. We still made it work. My dad tried and worked so hard for over a decade saving up for a house. and he lost it in just over 7 years.
I want a family more than anything. to be happy with a woman who loves me and cares about me. we actually feel the same about each other. With two beautiful kids, a boy and a girl. a dog. You know the nuclear family. I will not have one If I can not provide for them. Do not take that as animosity toward my father. he is incredible. he works very hard to provide for us. His wife is sick, one kid in college and the other just graduated from a private college. mounds of debt. He is a strong man. I admire him. He is in an unfortunate situation, which I hope I will not ever have to be in.
things are so complicated in my life. Everything always seems to go wrong. I do not know what do do. I worry, I am paranoid. I am obsessed with a fantastic incredible woman whom I do not know, barley speak to, and have not seen in over 5 years. What happened to me?
What does it take in this world to be happy? Money? Love? Success? I just do not know. I know this. I love Marie. I wish I could just hold her in my arms, just once. for a short time, to tell her everything. to tell her how I feel. to look into her eyes and and her smile. the flow and bounce of her hair. to hear her kind words. to feel her soft touch in my hand. her warmth. just for a moment. just one moment. Asking for that makes me feel like I am in a giant room with 50 foot concrete walls drifting through space Trillions of miles away from the nearest soul. no light. just me. alone. forever. I do not want to be alone. If there is a god, please give me my moment with Marie. even if it is on my deathbed. it is 70 degrees right now, i am shivering in cold and fear, inside I am screaming. tears are streaming down my face. I love you marie.
alone. save me. just for a moment.
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